Is accountability a part of sisterhood? Or should friends just be fun? I explore these questions and more with Daliana Rivera the anti-bullying and diversity coach and creator of Dali Talks. Dali is my personal friend and she held me accountable in a moment of weakness. This moment was both hilarious and great for our friendship. Tap in for our storytime and interview.
Send me a voicemail. email, or text about your experience in sisterhood.
HeyAesha@gmail.com 909-748-5331.
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The Best Latin Caribbean food that I have tasted in Southern CA so far:
https://tropicalsavorbarandgrill.com
Hey Aesha (00:00):
Hey, welcome back, ¡Sis! I'm Hey Aisha. And you're listening to episode four of ¡Sis! . The podcast ¡Sis! we are going to help you get yourself together. And when I say we, I mean, one of my accomplished and super supportive brands, she's definitely going to help us get ourselves and get others together. But first, let's hear about the feature business of the day after these messages, we'll be right back. Del Sol Essentials is a personal care brand that sells premium floral, oils, body oils, scrubs, creams, and candles. I know the owner personally, and she hand makes these products and she pours so much of her. Love her time, her energy and attention into the products. It feels so good on your skin and it smells like you're having your favorite cup of coffee in the shower with and it smells like you'll want to eat it, but I've checked and you can't.
Hey Aesha (01:01):
The money moves candle. I actually light that during my budgeting sessions, my money visioning meditation, my money affirmations, and planning sessions, and it smells great, but it has little flecks of gold in it. It has little dollar signs and it's totally safe. So make sure you follow @DelSolEssentials. And this is a Mexicana-owned, Latina-owned company, support her follow her order from her and check the show notes because there will be a link for you to find the Instagram. And with that, we'll get back into the show. Hey, we're back into the show and we are jumping into this episode. I want you to meet Dolly, and I want you to hear a little bit about her perspectives on sister-hood.
Dali Talks (01:57):
Hi, uh, my name is Dali Rivera. I am 42. I was born in Nicaragua, raised in, uh, California, living in Maryland. My experience in sisterhood has been, uh, challenging, but beautiful at the same time.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Daliana and I have been friends for a while now, and our relationship is blossoming and I'm so thankful for her friendship, but there was a day where I wasn't having the greatest day. And she told me about how I was acting in the moment. Had we been different people, it could have broken our friendship. It was a really small type of thing that kind of turned into something big. But in that moment, our friendship grew because Daliana held me accountable. As she required more from me. I sat down with her to tell the story, to have a story time session, and I want you all to hear about it. And I also interviewed her to ask her about how she developed this approach to accountability in friendship. Listen along. I hope you get something out of it, Dali Rivera. And I'm so thankful that she joined us on this episode of ¡Sis!. She is one of my sisses in real life. She's on my board. I would say I have a board of friends that I go to for, for feedback, for information. And I always know that she's going to keep it real with me, but it's always going to be covered in love. So now introducing Dali in real time, say hi to the people. Hey everybody. Hey y'all Hey. So I want everybody to hear about this one time where Dali completely snatched my edges. Okay. She got me together.
Hey Aesha (03:55):
She, she, she snatched my edges in a good way. Okay, Dolly. And I'm going to call this story, "Once upon a time in San Diego." So Dali, tell these people set the scene for these people? What was going on? Why were we in San Diego?
Dali Talks (04:15):
We were in San Diego because you and I were trying to uplift each other as every sister should. Right. And so we went down to San Diego for a business thing. Actually, I don't even remember. I just remember what happened.
Hey Aesha (04:31):
You know what I remember what it was. It was a sales conference and this is kind of off the, off the grid a little bit, but I don't know where feeling the same thing. I remember that neither one of us were kind of feeling the conference at the time. And we were, we were a little disappointed and we were, um, tired and hungry. And we were confused about our Air BNB, because it seemed like it was a little sketchy where they had us going around the corner to get the key and don't talk to nobody. And it was like, wait a minute. Um, and then aside from that, we so San Diego's baseball team. I can't remember the name of their team, but we happened to be in the area, really close to the stadium stadium. And we happened to be trying to get something to eat around the same time that people were coming out from their game. So there was no parking on the street. There was-- we were trying to park and it took us like over an hour to like even find parking remotely close. So, yeah. So I was so in my, my tail a little bit. Yeah,
Dali Talks (05:47):
No, I remember everything. It was sales camp. We weren't feeling it. And I noticed that you were very, very worried about like me having a time, which is really sweet of you. But I was like, girl, don't worry. It's like, I grew up really poor. So you ain't got to impress me, you know, as long as I have a bed to sleep on and I feel safe, I'm good to go. So yeah. You were like, no, but this is not fair because the Airbnb, and this is your first Airbnb and I don't want you to have a bad experience. And I was like, chill and, and you were just so worried about it. And, but it came from such a good place. And I was like, see, this is what real friends are like, like they do stuff like that. Even when you tell them chill, I mean, your heart was in it.
Dali Talks (06:29):
Right. So I think that that set you off first. And then of course, yeah, the parking situation. So all these things kept adding up and then the darn, uh, just like, no, it was like, we couldn't find the right restaurant. Cause we had made this plan. I think that we visualize this beautiful getaway for the weekend and then all these obstacles kept getting in the way. And so we're walking down some streets and I remember I actually tried to cheer you up. I don't, I don't think I've ever told you this, but you remember that wall. That was really beautiful. And I was like, Oh, Hey, there's one, you asked me to take a picture. And I took a picture and you're always showing me how to do the poses. Cause I'm so awkward in front of the camera. And um, and I thought, well, maybe this will get her like a little more, you know, like relaxed, but it really didn't. You were just in your Stinking thinking
Hey Aesha (07:24):
I was stuck. I was stuck in it. And yeah, I do remember that wall and I still have that picture because the picture matched my dress, the wall mural matched my dress. So I, I remember that like it was yesterday and so we, we couldn't find parking and then I just kinda got mad and I was like, you know what, we're just gonna like door dash some stuff from like McDonald's or something, because you have found online this place calledSabor Tropical, And it was like, um, a Dominican restaurant in San Diego and anybody who knows me. I love my belly, but I love Caribbean food. Like that is part of the way to my heart. Okay. So, um, having lived in Miami, having, um, gone back and forth from New York and stayed in New York for a really long time. Um, it's like, I was just having in my mind. Every time I tried Caribbean food here on the West coast, it was horrible. In fact, I had just tried Puerto Rican food in Riverside, like a few weeks before it was horrible. So I was like, no, this is going to be horrible. And I'm like, we're going to the room. And I was just happy. Like I was having a little lack of a better term,
Dali Talks (08:43):
A Tantrum, a grown person, tantrum from that's what you were having. And, and I felt bad because I understand like when you make plans with a and you just want it to go well, and it doesn't turn out that way, it's hard crushing. Right. But, but then, you know, you were just like in that thinking, thinking, and yeah, I wanted some of the Caribbean food too. Cause all I could think of was mofongo and just like, Oh, that deliciousness and stuff like that and whatever else, other Dominican or Puerto Rican or whatever they had in there, you know, because sometimes you get, um, a variety of stuff and we were really hungry. So then I realized, okay, she's hangry. She is hangry. And I don't like my friend be like this and we were walking and you're like, it. We're just going to go order in a door dash.
Dali Talks (09:35):
And I was like, Oh No, inside. I was like, that's not how I want to eat my meal today. I was so set on sitting down and doing it. And I was like, okay. But then it was like, the Drill Sergeant came out of me and I was like, hell no. I was like, you know what? We're going to go to this restaurant You're going to eat the food and you're going to like it. And we did, we ended up going to this restaurant and the ambience was so cool. I think it really spoke to you that nice vibe, the lights were a little down, it was beautifully decorated. The food looked and tasted amazing. And then as we were sitting there, I started seeing my friend come back. stinking thinking it was getting kicked out the window and, and we ended up having such a good time.
Dali Talks (10:21):
And you know what, when I said that to you, I was a little hesitant because I normally don't speak to you like that. But I thought this is my friend and she needs a pick me up. And sometimes you gotta put your boot up, your loved one's ass just tell them, Hey, get the hell out of that mode and just be, you know, just make it better in your mind because of course, whatever you create in your mind is what you're going to actually experience in life. And I'm glad that I did that. And I'm actually glad that you told me later on that you really needed that because I was left thinking man did I cross boundaries. Yeah. It was um, one of those moments where, you know, I just saw that we both needed something good out of this whole experience. So one of the things that universally cheers people up is food.
Hey Aesha (11:15):
Girl. I love food. And I have to say like, I, I didn't get offended at all. And that's how I knew like how much I value you. Like, I always knew that you were an amazing person, but it was like, that was like a very cognizant moment that we had reached a friendship milestone because I can get an attitude. I can hold grudges, but I just knew intuitively that you were coming from a place of love. Right. And you weren't just trying to like boss me or it was no ego involved. You're literally like trying to help me come out of a dark place and make a better decision. And one thing that makes me laugh is like, because literally when I was having that little tantrum, you are so quiet and you literally, it was like this awkward silence. And you're like, you're going to stop that stinking thinking.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
And then you, you like gave me the list of things that I was going to do. And I remember like, I was already, you had already broke like my little hangriness and my tantrum, but I was so committed that I was like, Dali, you're going to let me have an attitude. Okay. I wan't have attitude. And you were like, no, we are going to this restaurant. Put it in the GPS. And I'm so glad, especially now in retrospective, because it's like with the pandemic, when have we had a chance to experience something new together? Right. So it's one of my favorite recent memories. And so I just, I thanked you for it before, but I'm gonna thank you for it on my podcast. Thank you.
Dali Talks (12:53):
Actually, I want to add, because I'm remembering that we drove by it cause we were looking for it and you know, the other thing was like, parking. And um, and you were like, Hmm, I don't know. It doesn't look, it doesn't look fun. And you were doing, you were just trying to find anything negative because you kind of wanted sulk in that, which is fine. We all need to do that once in a while. But I remember thinking, man, I really want to go and just try it out anyway. Cause I mean, what do we have to lose? And, and you're right about like reaching that milestone with a friend, because I'm so glad that you knew that it was coming from a place of love, but that takes time to build. And I think that a lot of people don't understand that and that's how some relationships go awry because they have not reached that maturity level and that trust level in, in a relationship.
Dali Talks (13:51):
And, and I want to emphasize here is not like you and I are hanging out every weekend and it's not like you and I are hung out at work all the time during lunchtime or break times. We actually, I think that we have a pretty good, um, space. I guess we give each other pretty good space, but we're there for each other when you're having a hard time with something. When I'm having a hard time with something I'll usually text you and say, Hey, uh, can you talk? I need some advice. And usually I call you for like the stuff that I'm really struggling with and you have to, and, and I always have appreciated that you confide in me and that you know, that I'm gonna try to be as objective as possible because you know, we all have our biases and sometimes we want to make people feel good by saying the right things.
Dali Talks (14:46):
by saying what we think they want to hear, but you and I are not like that we're like really real. We're like, okay, then Daliana, you tell me like, this is, this is what I see. And you know, it comes from a place of love. And I always appreciate that. And I also value your opinion and your suggestions because, um, you're not just anybody. You are a very wise person. You have a lot of life experience. And it's funny because one of the things that I've called you for is parenting advice. And you're like, why do you call me? Cause I don't have no kids. Right.
Hey Aesha (15:21):
I always say that. I'll always say that. And you know what? I don't think I said this. We've, we've actually only been friends for like three years. But what I think sets us apart is that we've been able to be very vulnerable. Number one, there was just a natural connection from the first time that we met. But, um, what I will say is, I think we have had a lot of deep conversations where as some people, they just become friends because they were at a mixer or they meet in certain places and then they exchangephone numbers and they've never... They've kind of had like these superficial interactions. I think we've had very in-depth conversations about our upbringings, um, things that we're struggling with. Like we've just been that for each other. And I'm so thankful for that. So that's why I don't believe in that no new friends BS, because it's like, you're one of my closest friends and I've been blessed.
Hey Aesha (16:18):
I've been really blessed to have quality friendships. And so you've just added to my life and made it that much fuller. But I think it, I think it's the vulnerability piece that has allowed us to like, if like my mom would be like, I can't believe you only known her for three years because she was like, you guys do so much together. And like we, and like you said, we're not always with each other, but when we are, we, we have an amazing time. We have a great time. So I want to ask, because when she said her inner drill Sergeant came out, she was actually like, for real, she was actually, she's a army veteran and U S army veteran. And she was actually a Drill Sergeant. Right. So it's like, so I never went, I heard she was a drill Sergeant. I'm like you as secure. But in that moment I saw said, Oh, this is what she used to do to her soldiers. Got it. Okay. So where did you develop this ability to hold people accountable in, but like, cause sometimes people's accountability looks messy and mean, and it's hard to tell where it's coming from. Like how did you, I think it's gift, how did you develop this gift?
Dali Talks (17:35):
Ooh, that's such a good question. You know, nobody has ever asked me that question and now thinking back, it all comes down to my core values and I grew up in a household that was not the most... I was actually, I remember feeling shame because I knew my dad was a sketchy person and I hated that. So I think that that's what inculcated the idea of upholding myself to the highest values as possible. And when I was a drill Sergeant, I was not the yeller. I was not the super mean aggressive person though. My peers definitely pressured me into being that person, but it just didn't sit. Right. Because I believe that people don't need to learn life lessons through severe traumatizing hardship. I think that it can be done in different ways. And um, yeah, I remember my soldiers, they used to come to me and they used to tell me like, I wish you'd smoke my ass
Dali Talks (18:37):
Instead of speaking to me the way that you speak to me. Cause I feel like it's my granny or it;s my mom talking to me? And they would literally like grown men would cry in front of me and beg me to forgive them. And I was like, these kids are crazy. Cause I mean, I'm just a stranger who happens to be training them. But it was pretty amazing when I, somebody pointed that power that I have had in me to make people react that way. And to kind of, I think what was happening is that I was somehow, uh, making them look within and then they were realizing they had done something not right. And, and they were maybe ashamed or regretful about it. And it's just like a natural thing that just, I don't know, I just do it. And sometimes, most times I don't know that I'm doing it.
Dali Talks (19:32):
And the reason that I, um, uh, code myself to those standards or actually the reason why I do it that way is because I always put myself in their position. I was asking myself, okay, how would Dali feel about herself if she would have done that? And if that is a negative feeling, then I go into, okay, how can that Dali, rectify that? So when I'm speaking to somebody, the person thinks it's all about them, but in reality, I'm like analyzing, how would I feel? And I think that's, that's why I do what I do or how I do it. Honestly. I still don't exactly know how I do it. I just know that people keep telling me that I'm doing this thing. And, um, and it works. And one of the things that I emphasize is respect for the person, because I remember being demeaned and shamed when I made mistakes.
Dali Talks (20:30):
And I remember thinking when I grow up, I'm not going to be like that. I'm not going to treat people like that, regardless of what mistakes they made, because nobody deserves to be belittled or anything like that, just because they made a mistake. And of course, all of that comes because I, my dad be literally my mom and other people. So I was like, Ooh, that is ugly. I do not want to be like that. So yeah. That's why, that's why I do that. And my kids, sometimes they think it's annoying, but let me go back to that thing about why do I come back to you for parenting advice? Cause I really want people to hear this. Um, there is so much division between the whole, I'm a parent you're not, or you know, you don't know what you're talking about because you don't have kids.
Dali Talks (21:16):
There are some people who don't have a child in their life. And so it's hard for that person to step into a parenting role and understand the experiences that come once that child is in your life. So, um, those people, sometimes, sometimes those people become critical instead of helpful. And there's a difference. There's constructive criticism, which we all know. And then there's judgment and I've experienced both, but with you, I've experienced a lot of constructive criticism and to meet like I have single friends, right. But you are the only one I reach out to, um, aside from my sister, because one of my sisters doesn't have children. Um, but you're, I come to you because you have the ability to see things clear and you intentionally always try to see things without bias.
Hey Aesha (22:11):
Well, thank you, Friend. I really try my best to not be judgmental because it's something that I struggle with. I try to be constructive. I try to have empathy. Um, but it means a lot for you to acknowledge that. And I, again, thank you for that. You're one of my, I guess I would categorize you as a strong friend. So as a strong friend, I feel like in the the friendships where I'm the strong friend, sometimes I don't always get what I need. So what, what can people do to better support their strong friends from your, from a strong friends perspective? How can we better support our strong friends?
Dali Talks (22:56):
You know, honestly, I think that you have to be strong enough as a friend, to be very honest with your friends. A lot of people are very scared to do that because they're afraid of hurting them or offending them but if you always do it from a place of love. And if you're careful with your words, then your friend will know that it's, you're saying what you're saying, because you want to help them grow. And in any relationship where there is just friends or romantic, if the other person doesn't bring out the best in you, then you probably should keep looking. Because, um, I think what attracts a lot of people and they don't realize is that intellectual, uh, I don't even know what to call it, but it's like this intellectual fulfillment. And when you have that and then everything else is just that perfect, perfect relationship that, that, um, allows you to be able to say, Hey SIS, you know what? You're effing up. You got to fix that or that was wrong or Hey, let's try it this way.
Hey Aesha (24:15):
So that that's dope. Like I never knew that strong friends, the friends that hold you accountable also need somebody to hold them accountable. And that that's also considered, um, a sign of support. So we're coming towards the end of the episode, but I wanted to see, can you give tips like one, because like you said, not everybody is mature enough, right? To handle this type of relationship. How can you differentiate between when a friend is holding you accountable and when they're just being mean and toxic, and on the flip side for the friends that hold people accountable, how to do that with grace and love in the way that you do it, where it doesn't feel like shame and things like that.
Dali Talks (25:03):
So I think that in order to determine whether your friend is actually trying to help you or not is paying attention to the tone and the feeling that you get when you, when you get that information. So if I'm telling you, uh, you know, that you're being too rash, you know, and I say, you know what? I think you're, you're acting crazy. Like that's stupid. Like why, why would you do that? You see the words are all kind of, they're all negative and real friends. Don't usually they don't use those words. They'll say something like, okay, I understand where you're coming from, but how about this? You know, and I know not everybody communicates that way. It's a style. But if that person is pretty much always making you feel bad, then either tell them, Hey, you know what, every time you tell me this, uh, it feels bad as if you're judging me.
Dali Talks (26:01):
So maybe we can work on changing that. Or, uh, or maybe you just shouldn't be friends with that person because they can not find a way on how to positively put something, especially when it's something that, that, um, you should fix. So I think, I think that's a biggest clue. And if your friend is coming from a place of love, then you're always going to feel it. And you're going to understand, and it's going to be clear. Also the advice is usually gonna. be very sound. It's not going to be like, Oh girl, let's go and cut up those tires and bust his and do all of this because your friend should always give you advice. That's not going to get you into deeper or hurt yourself more. You know, that's what friends really do. Or at least friends who are mature enough to give advice.
Dali Talks (26:51):
And then the second part of your question was if you, if you're the friend providing the constructive criticism, or if you just want to help your friend out, depending on your relationship, you might want to say, Hey, I'm going to say this from a place of love, but hear me out. Or sometimes you can't even do that because people get very defensive or they're too sensitive at that moment. So maybe wait for another day and come back to that because people are sometimes going through so many emotions that if you just have that conversation right there and there, and then they will not hear you, or they might take it the wrong way. And you have to feel people out just like you, right? Like when you're hot and bothered, at least me when I'm hot and bothered, I'm getting into an argument with my husband.
Dali Talks (27:42):
I'm like, don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Cause if you talk to me right now, I'm going to say like the meanest crap and you're going to regret it and then I'm going to regret it. And then all going to go downhill. You know? So be that person that has, um, knowledge of what the temperament is for your friends and how they best communicate, because you might have every good intention to give them good advice because I've asked for it. But if they're not ready to receive it, it's just not going to happen. And the other thing too is don't be annoyed at all. Friend, wait until your friend asks you because I recognize when I was younger, I was that friend that was excited about sharing knowledge, that I would automatically give unsolicited advice and it came from a good place, but it's annoying opposite annoying friend. And I've worked my whole adulthood to be that friend that receives and gives back. And every time I receive, I, I try to do something back immediately or shortly after because being that selfish friend that takes and takes and takes that is going to kill any relationship is ugly because people want to be validated. They want to be heard and they want to be seen. And that's the type of friend that you need.
Hey Aesha (29:03):
I'm feeling this. I'm definitely feeling so many things were standing out. I love how you also kind of let us peak into a little bit of your evolution as being the accountability friend, because you did have a time where you were giving that unsolicited advice and you had to learn balance in that. And I think it's important to know when a friend, like, sometimes I will say like, if you say, okay, usually you'll tell me like, Hey, I need your advice on something. But when other friends they don't always say to me, so if they come to me with an issue, I'll say, well, what do you need from me? Do you want me to listen? Do you want advice? Or like, do you just like, you just want to vent, like, let me know what you need from me first, because I don't want to jump into giving you advice.
Hey Aesha (29:58):
Right. And a lot of times when they tell me about a problem that they have going on before, I'll even give advice, I'll ask like, so what have you done about this situation so far, what's going to be your approach to the situation so far. Um, before I start giving my advice, cause they may, maybe they've already figured it out. Maybe they already have a good approach. And then my goal in that time, if they already have a great approach is to just add maybe how they can make it even greater versus like trying to lay out this long thing when maybe they were already ready to go to do that. I'm trying to get better about asking that. And I also like, like I have a cousin where I get her advice a lot on relationships. And so I've got to the point where I'm like, Hey, I'll text her and say, Hey, do you have the space or the energy to hear about this?
Hey Aesha (30:51):
Because she she's that type of friend. And I do that with you too. Like sometimes, sometimes I don't even want advice. I'm just wanting to bother you with foolishness, but I know you're super busy. So I'm like, well let me make sure she's busy. Cause I know everybody and they mama has called her today. So let me see if she has time to be silly right now. You know? So I think those are, um, other things that I would add to it. But Dolly I'm so thankful that you took the time. Cause like she's super busy and I know you, you, your time is running short now. So I want you to just tell these people how they can connect with you. Tell them number one about what you do your business and how they can stay connected with you going forward.
Dali Talks (31:33):
No, thank you. I just want to say, I love you sister. I'm so glad that I met you and that we have been able to continue our relationship and what you just said that every time you called me and you're like, Hey, can you talk right now? Or do you want me to listen to you? Or do you want me to give you advice or whatever? I love that about you and I, um, you actually taught me to be more consistent with that. So I thank you for that. But yeah, what I do is I educate parents, educators pretty much any adult that wants to learn about bullying and how to teach kids to love themselves and their differences as well as that of others. That's what I do. So I work with schools. I work with a lot of organizations as well, but if you need some coaching on that, if you have a child returning to school and they're nervous because they got to go back and they might see the bully that was harming them in the past, I'm your girl. I just reached out. You can reach out to me at, on Instagram at @Dalitalks, that's my handle. And you can come on to Dalitalks.com. I actually have webinars and things like that. So ton of information I can share. And thank you so much, my friend for always thinking of me and I love your podcast. Love it, love it, love it. So keep doing what you're doing. You got me into my show and my YouTube show. So thank you for that.
Hey Aesha (32:51):
Yo, I love you too says thank you. Um, I just say I thank you, you know, a thousand times. Thank you. I mean, this could go on on, you know, it'll be a big old love fest SIS.
Hey Aesha (33:03):
We've reached the end of our time together today. I feel like accountability was something that I needed to talk about because I feel like it could be a dirty word. Like sometimes people feel like the friends that hold you accountable, they're like the unfun friend. And I don't think that's true. I think that, uh, accountability is a great part of sisterhood and friendship. And I feel like without it, you don't grow. We've all heard that scripture from the Bible that says iron sharpens iron, and you're not going to get stronger or sharper without accountability in your friendships. Dr. [Fay Fears] said in the last episode that she didn't think that friendships, that didn't Edify you in some type of way, make you feel better, challenge you, uh, help you grow that they, they really couldn't be called sisterhoods.
Hey Aesha (34:02):
Right? And I feel like true sisterhoods challenge you and change you in a positive way. And through conversation today. I hope I helped you be more aware of that. And if you were aware of it already, I hope we dropped some type of gym or some type of conversation came through the airways ear waves that helps you think about accountability in a different way. As we transition into spring, we're already into spring, but as we get deeper into spring, I hope that you see things with new eyes. I hope that your heart smiles, I hope that you meet some dope sisters and I hope that beauty love and tranquility flow through your life like water flows through.